We were on the couch, Lawrence in the seat Mack had been occupying.  I was looking at him, but he was looking directly ahead, staring at a picture of the beach.  He took it on our first trip as a couple, a long weekend in St. Kitts.  I waited for him to say something.

“I thought you hated your ex-husband.” His tone was even.

“I thought I did too. I mean, for a while it was hate, but now it’s just…” I shrugged.  I didn’t want to lie, and I still hadn’t worked through my feelings.

“Okay, let me ask you an easier question.  Did you have sex with him?”

“Lawrence…” I started.

“I want to know the answer. Yes or no.  Did you have sex with him?”  I knew I couldn’t sidestep the question.  I nodded.  “Dammit.  So where does that leave us?”

“It leaves us where we’ve always been.  We are who we are.  Nothing has changed.”

He turned to me.  “Everything has changed Lena.  We’ve been having fun these past few months, and we agreed that we would keep things open until we agreed that we were ready for something serious.  I came back wanting to talk about us being serious, but you’re cozy with your ex.”

I stood up.  “Are you kidding me?  How was I supposed to know you wanted something more? You remind me that we’re not monogamous before you go on every business trip.  I admit to having sex with someone, and now you’re not sure? That’s just great Lawrence.”  All of a sudden it felt very stuffy.  I walked to the window and opened it.

“He’s not just someone.  Y’all were married.  It’s not the same as someone I meet at a bar.  Y’all have history.”  I knew he was frustrated, his Midwestern accent becoming more pronounced.  Lawrence walked next to me and held my hand, lacing his fingers between mine.  “I do want to be with you Lena.  I just want you to be with me because you want me, not because you don’t want him.”

It was my turn to look straight ahead.  I felt that Lawrence didn’t expect a response so I didn’t give him one.  He walked to the door and picked up his suitcase.  I followed him silently.  He kissed me on the forehead.  “I’ll see you in the office on Monday?”

I nodded.  “Yeah, I’ll be there.”  He gave me a small smile, walked to the elevator, and waved before he stepped on.  Locking my front door, I remembered about the tea that had been brewing on the counter.  I stuck the whole teapot in the fridge, opting for something stronger.  I reached for one of the crystal tumblers that Mack’s dad gave me as a Christmas gift; filling it with the vodka I kept in the back of my liquor cabinet for particularly stressful occasions.  I took a shot and then refilled it, putting some ice cubes in the second time.

I brought my glass and my cellphone back to my favorite armchair.  I turned the phone on, hoping there wasn’t anything too pressing that needed to be handled.   Two work emails that could wait, voicemails from my dad and Marie, and a text message from Mack.   I drained my glass and opened it.

So… A boyfriend.

I wasn’t surprised.  I’d let him kiss me a minute before Lawrence got there, and God knows what would have happened if I let him kiss me again.  I wanted to respond, but I needed air.  Downing another glass of Absolut, I threw on a jacket and decided to take the 4 flights of steps into the cool November air.

I didn’t have a destination in mind, but I needed enough time for me to sort through things, including what I wanted for dinner.  My first reply was easy enough.

Yeah. Something like that. 

I wanted to gauge if he was upset, but I wasn’t sure why I cared one way or the other.  I heard a ping from my phone.

Be serious.

 Fine. He’s kind of my boyfriend. We’re just having fun.  Keeping it light.

 Mack’s response came lightning fast. I call bullshit Lee.  That’s not you.

 I ducked into a nearby coffee shop.  I didn’t expect this conversation to get so intense so quickly.  I’m not as predictable as you think. 

Oh really? Are you at a diner?

Mind your business.

A waitress took my order for a glass of water and corn muffin.

LOL.  I know you Lena. I know that you prefer your hair curly and down but wear it pulled back for work.  I know what causes your insomnia and how to calm you down when you’re stressed.  I know you are passionate and intense and involved. I KNOW this light shit isn’t you.

I thought about the conversation with Lawrence from earlier, and wondered how much Mack still knew me, and how much I’d really changed.  I hadn’t done the traditional breakup recovery method of drinking the night away or dyeing my hair or eating my feelings, instead I used all the vacation time I had accrued since my honeymoon.  I found my apartment, moved in and then redecorated.  When the last screw was in place and the paint was dry, I left to spend two weeks in Barbados.

 The smell of freshly brewing coffee brought me back to the present.  I thanked the waitress, and put the phone down.  Mack was starting to get to me.

Come home, Lee.

Nibbling on my corn muffin, I thought about what he was asking of me.  I left a ten dollar bill on the table and flagged down a cab, and gave the driver Mack’s address.  Our old address.  I went back and forth with myself, wondering if I should just tell the driver to take me home or to Marie’s house.  What was I getting myself into?

Are you on your way?

The sights of Park Avenue gave me a distraction.  I told myself I was doing this for closure, I needed just one more conversation to rid myself of Eric once and for all.

Yeah, but just for a minute.